Friends, family and communities

It’s not always easy to spot harmful behaviour in relationships. The signs can be subtle and sometimes people and society can act like certain behaviours are OK or normal when they’re not. The longer we ignore someone’s behaviour, the worse it can become. Recognising the signs as early as possible can make a big difference.

Some examples of harmful behaviours are:

Isolating a partner from friends and family

We all have the right to an independent social life, and that shouldn’t always have to include our partner. It’s harmful to stop someone, either directly or indirectly, from doing what they want, going out or seeing their friends and family.

Controlling and/or coercive behaviour

Controlling and coercive behaviour, also known as coercive control, is an action, or a pattern of actions, used to harm, punish, or frighten someone. Examples are assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation. The intention of controlling behaviour is to make a person dependent by isolating them from other support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Physical violence or intimidation

Anything that causes physical harm or fear of physical harm to a partner is abusive. This includes slapping, pushing, kicking, biting or threats of any of these. It also includes fear of physical harm towards another loved one or pet. Intimidating behaviours can also include threatening gestures such as a glare across the room or shouting in someone’s face.

Verbal aggression and insults

Name-calling, put-downs and insults all have a lasting impact on a person’s emotional wellbeing and can make them feel worthless.

Financial control

How couples split their finances is their choice, provided they’re both happy with the agreement and the way it works. It’s unhealthy for one person to make all the financial decisions at their partner’s expense or against their wishes. It’s harmful to prevent someone’s access to money and restrict their ability to buy and pay for things.

Inappropriate sexual behaviour

People should never be made to have sex or engage in sexual acts when they don’t want to – whether through force or pressuring.

Harassment and stalking

Accessing someone’s social media or email, checking their voice or text messages, following them or turning up unexpectedly when they’re out, are all examples of harmful and controlling behaviour.

If you’re in Trafford, Sunderland, Merseyside or Durham you can join one of our workshops to learn more.

Many harmful behaviours in relationships happen behind closed doors and can be hidden. Recognising that someone you know is behaving in a harmful way is a bit like piecing together a jigsaw – you need to put together a lot of small signs to get a clearer picture. This is because harmful behaviours are often patterns of controlling and manipulative behaviours rather than a one-off incident.

Every situation is different so we can’t list every warning sign, but below are some you can look out for.

The person using harmful behaviour may:

• Tell you they’ve been fighting or arguing with their partner.

• Shift blame onto their partner, deny or downplay issues and incidents.

• Seem anxious about who their partner is with and what they are doing.

• Constantly call or text their partner.

• Speak for their partner and make them follow strict rules.

• Put their partner down or continuously contradict them.

The person experiencing harmful behaviour may:

• Make excuses for their partner’s behaviour.

• Feel guilty and blame themselves.

• Stop seeing friends and family.

• Have physical injuries.

• Feel they need to let their partner know their whereabouts at all times.

• Say something to you or a friend about what’s happening.

If you’re in Trafford, Sunderland, Merseyside or Durham you can join one of our workshops to learn more.

If something doesn’t feel right and you want to talk it through, you can call the Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040 (open 10am-8pm Monday to Thursday and 10am-5pm on Fridays).

If you think someone is at risk of immediate harm, you should call 999 for emergency services.

The short answer is yes. Knowing someone personally might mean you’re the person who gets someone causing harm to think about their choices. Harmful behaviour can spiral into abuse leading to serious psychological and physical trauma.

We often look for reasons not to get involved, believing it’s someone else’s responsibility. You might be worried that you’ll make things worse or create an awkward tension between you and your friend or family member. You might be thinking that it’s none of your business and it’s easier to do nothing. But what if the conversation you have plants a seed that grows into lasting change?

Below is a list of some things people tell themselves to avoid talking to a friend or family member about how they’re behaving, and the questions we would ask in response.

• ‘It’s just banter.’

You might tell yourself what sounded offensive to you might be considered as innocent joking to someone else.

Ask yourself: What’s the punchline? If the joke always seems to revolve around putting down their partner, that’s not OK.

• ‘They’re as bad as each other.’

You might think both partners are treating each other badly, so their behaviour ‘cancels each other’s out.’

Ask yourself: If their partner is also engaging in unhealthy behaviours, does that mean nothing should change? Don’t they still need help? It can be tricky to understand what’s happening. There is never an excuse for using harmful behaviour, regardless of what else might be going on.

• ‘It’s not my place to say anything.’

You might tell yourself that how someone treats their partner isn’t your business, that you’d just be meddling and could even make things worse.

Ask yourself: If you were struggling in a relationship, wouldn’t you want someone to reach out to you? Offering support is an important part of being a friend or family member.

• ‘If only their partner hadn’t…’

If your friend or family member tells you their partner provoked them in some way, you might believe their actions are justified.

Ask yourself: Who holds responsibility for their own behaviour? We all choose what we say and do, which is good. It means harmful behaviour is not inevitable and people can choose to make a change. Nothing justifies harming or controlling someone else.

If you’re in Trafford, Sunderland, Merseyside or Durham you can join one of our workshops to learn more.

Your relationship with the person causing harm is unique to you. There will be a language and style you usually use, so we can’t give you a script, but there are some basic principles to remember:

Talk to them one on one

Lots of us feel more relaxed when going for a walk, exercising or doing something together, so think about the setting. It’s ideal if the person is feeling calm before you speak. Don’t raise the issue in front of others, especially their partner/ex-partner or family, as that’s likely to make them defensive. Don’t raise the issue when the person is drunk or under the influence.

Use your concerns to raise the issue

For example: “You seemed a bit stressed when we were all out the other night” or “How are things with you and (insert partner’s name)?” Using broader questions encourages your friend or family member to speak and lets them know you are interested. Never let them know their partner has told you anything, even if they have – this could put their partner at a higher risk of getting hurt.

Listen

Listening to your friend or family member might sound obvious, but what you don’t want is to fall into the traps of either reassuring the person causing harm or having a go at them. Both these reactions can have the opposite effect. Letting the person know you’re listening and checking you’ve understood what they’re saying can be helpful.

Giving people a calm space to talk about what’s going on is often enough for them to open up and be honest. There might be one or two questions you can ask to keep them focused on their behaviour, such as “Is there anything you’d want to change about how you acted?” or “Are you worried about how you’re acting?”

Here are a few phrases that you might want to try:

• We love you but we don’t like how you’re treating [insert name].

• Are you happy with how you’re treating [insert name]?

• Good people can make bad decisions.

Know what support is available

Let them know that support is out there to help people make different decisions and to change their behaviour before it gets worse. You can let them know about Make a Change if it’s in your area, or other national services.

Have realistic expectations and look after yourself

It’s not your responsibility to change their behaviour, it’s theirs. You will have planted a seed. If that person doesn’t reach out for support or if you hear or see more issues, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It can take time for things to change and for people to take responsibility. Know that by broaching the issue you may have helped them take the first step.

If you feel low or unsure of how the conversation went, you can call the Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040 (open 10am-8pm Monday to Thursday and 10am-5pm on Fridays) or try chatting it through with a close friend. There’s no right way to feel and it’s fine to have mixed emotions.

If you’re in Trafford, Sunderland, Merseyside or Durham you can join one of our workshops to learn more.

Make a Change is a confidential, free service for people concerned about their behaviour towards a partner or ex-partner to help them make things better. We also provide support for their partner or ex-partner.

Make a Change is currently available in Trafford, Liverpool, Durham and Sunderland. Visit our Get support page to find out more.

If your friend or family member decides they would like support to understand and change their behaviour, the programme will cover topics such as:

• Healthy relationships

• Understanding the links between our thoughts, feelings and behaviour

• Understanding arguments with loved ones

• Intimacy

• Break-ups

• Emotional resilience and self-care

• Managing stress .

For most people, it’s the first time they’ve ever talked about relationship difficulties. We know it’s hard to take that step, but we’re not here to judge - we’re here to help.

It’s not possible for us to cover all relationships or situations that can come up, so you might still have questions you want to talk through with a professional.

If you’re in Trafford, Liverpool, Durham or Sunderland you can contact your local Make a Change team directly or join one of our workshops to learn more. If you’re not, the Respect Phoneline is a confidential helpline, email and webchat service for people concerned about their behaviour and the people around them.

Call 0808 802 4040 (open 10am-8pm Monday to Thursday and 10am-5pm on Fridays) or visit respectphoneline.org.uk for more information.